The birth of a child can elicit many different emotions, from excitement and joy to fear and doubt and in some cases, symptoms of depression. Postpartum Depression (PPD) is a serious mental health condition experienced by some women after childbirth.

According to research, up to 80% of women experience “baby blues” after giving birth. It’s usually caused by the sudden change in hormones after delivery, combined with stress, isolation, sleep deprivation, and fatigue. You might feel more tearful, overwhelmed, and emotionally fragile. The baby blues is mild and temporary and typically resolves itself within 10-14 days. However, postpartum depression is a more serious problem (e.g., suicidal thoughts or an inability to care for your newborn) and longer lasting.

There are many possible causes for the development of postpartum depression. It can be the combination of hormonal changes, physical changes, and stress. Additional risk factors are a preexisting diagnosis of depression, a baby with special needs, lack of support, birth to multiples (twins, triplets, etc.), marital problems, medical problems during pregnancy, and difficulty breastfeeding among many.  Despite PPD’s prevalence and the fact that it’s treatable, women still have trouble overcoming the stigma. As a society, there is a lot of pressure on women to “succeed” at motherhood, and the feeling of inadequacy can be demoralizing. There is a sense of shame associated with not feeling gratitude enough or immense joy for experiencing motherhood. Unlike other mental health conditions, women feel their competency as a mother is questioned if they openly admit that they are struggling. Other reasons why women don’t seek help is either misconception or lack of knowledge about the condition. However, with awareness and education preventative measures can be taken.

Tips for postpartum depression:

• Create a postpartum support plan during pregnancy.
• Learn how to create a secure attachment with your newborn.
• Ask for help (with baby, chores, errands, etc.).
• Communicate your feelings to someone (your partner, friend, family, counselor).
• Improve your self-care (getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and taking time to relax).
• Join a mother’s group, it can be reassuring to hear other mothers are facing similar challenges.

Reference

Coyne, D. (2020, March 10). The difference between baby blues and post-natal depression. Retrieved August 30, 2020, from https://www.alustforlife.com/tools/mental-health/the-difference-between-baby-blues-and-post-natal-depression

Pietrangelo, A. (2016, December 07). Postpartum Depression: Symptoms, Treatment, and More. Retrieved August 30, 2020, from https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/postpartum-depression

Postpartum depression. (2019, May 14). Retrieved August 30, 2020, from https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/postpartum-depression

The authors are affiliated with the Department of Physician Assistant Education. (n.d.). Postpartum depression: Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. Journal of the American Academy of PAs. Retrieved August 30, 2020, from https://journals.lww.com/jaapa/Fulltext/2013/02000/Postpartum_depression__Symptoms,_diagnosis,_and.9.aspx

Social comparison is the act of comparing one’s ability and opinion to that of others. We have an innate need for self-evaluation in order to assess our thoughts and behavior. There is no objective way to measure if what we are doing is correct or acceptable. We compare ourselves to others to understand our behavior and gauge how we are doing in life. Social comparison is not done at random; we tend to compare ourselves to someone that has similar opinions or abilities close to our own. The more similarities we have with the people of comparison the better we feel about ourselves.

There are two types of Social Comparison: the upward and the downward comparison. In the upward comparison, you compare yourself to someone doing better than you in many areas of life mostly for self-improvement. In the downward comparison, you compare yourself to someone worse off than you. In some cases, doing the downward comparison can lead to a confidence boost but that’s not always a guaranteed outcome.

The tendency to unrealistically evaluate your weakness to other people’s strengths creates an unbalanced comparison.  This may have an unfavorable effect on your confidence and self- esteem. Comparing yourself endlessly to others can create stress, and it can also negatively affect your relationship with others.

Social comparison is not always terrible, it can also be beneficial if used for self-improvement/enhancement, for setting goals and evaluating progress. Since the negative of social comparison outweighs the positive, it is good to break a cycle of unhealthy comparison.

Use some of these tips to minimize unhealthy social comparison:

• Practice Gratitude

Count your blessings, remind yourself of your strengths and achievements.

• Become More Aware of Your Thoughts

Be conscious of your thoughts when you’re negatively comparing yourself to others so you can stop and change your focus.

• Seek Connection

Spend time with people who genuinely care about you and make you feel good.

• Take a Step Back

Step back from social media or anything that creates negative thoughts or self-doubt.

Reference

Breathe. (n.d.). Zen habits. Retrieved August 23, 2020, from https://zenhabits.net/lifes-enough-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others/

Elizabeth Scott, M. (2019, May 28). Stressed By “Fakebooking”? Here’s the Stress Relief You Need! Retrieved August 23, 2020, from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-manage-the-stress-of-social-comparison-3145267

Social Comparison: An Unavoidable Upward Or Downward Spiral. (2020, July 07). Retrieved August 23, 2020, from https://positivepsychology.com/social-comparison/

In general, parenting is a difficult job and for a stepparent, this job is not only difficult but also confusing. Although stepparenting is common, the initial formation of this relationship can be challenging. It’s difficult to figure out whether a stepparent should act as the parent from the start or just see what happens as they grow into this new relationship. Struggle with co-parenting, unclear roles, conflicting parenting styles and culture, and issues with communication are some of the concerns many stepfamilies have.   

Many stepparents feel they have the responsibility of a biological parent but not the authority and the respect to match. It takes time for blended families to get used to the new family dynamics. For some families, the transition period is short, while for others it takes years. Stepparenting is not a one approach fits all, instead each family has to figure out a way that works for them.

When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally have an easier time than older children. To have a stepparent who seemingly is taking the place of a biological parent is hard to accept for many children. This factor plays a huge role in the many challenges faced in this relationship. In the initial stages, it’s important for the stepparent to start with a slow and friendly interaction with the child. This is a slow process and it’s crucial not to rush into it.

Here are a few tips to make the stepparenting role less challenging:

• Try to build a harmonious relationship with the biological parent.
• Set consistent house rules to follow.
• Learn about the child’s interests, share talents and skills, and engage in family group activities.
• Remind them that you are not there to replace their parent, but there as an additional person to provide them with love, support, and guidance. With some children you’ll have to earn the “parental” status.
• Don’t try forcing your way in, but instead, let the children set the pace of the relationship.
• Encourage the stepchildren to have a loving relationship with both their biological parents.
• Accept that it will take time and effort to build a successful stepparent-stepchild relationship.
• When needed, seek individual or family therapy to help you navigate your role as a stepparent.

There are no set rules to stepparenting, do what works best for your family’s situation. With time, patience, and the right intentions, a successful and loving stepparenting relationship can be possible to achieve.

Reference

Being a step-parent. (2019, April 10). Retrieved August 07, 2020, from https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent

Cottrill, J. (2018, September 13). Stepfamily Situations: Roles and Expectations. Retrieved August 07, 2020, from https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/stepfamily-situations-roles-expectations

Jensen, T. M., & Harris, K. M. (2016). Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Stepchildren’s Depression in Adolescence and Adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 5(3), 191-203. doi:10.1177/2167696816669901

Stepparenting: It Takes Two. (2020, June 23). Retrieved August 07, 2020, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/stepparenting-it-takes-two/

 

Premarital counseling, as the name suggests is a couple’s counseling before they are married. It plays a critical role in preparing couples for marriage. Couples have started seeking premarital counseling because of the benefit it provides. Premarital counseling is effective mainly because it gives couples a chance to work on their problems before it becomes bigger than they can handle. The main goal of premarital counseling is to help couples discuss important topics such as finances, children, religion, fidelity, etc. and how these matters will affect their marriage in the future. During the counseling process, couples also learn how to express themselves and communicate effectively. It helps them recognize what they want out of the partnership and how to manage their expectations. Studies have shown couples who seek premarital counseling have relationship satisfaction and some studies have even suggested that divorce rates are lower by an astonishing 50% within these groups.

Problems in marriage are inevitable, premarital counseling can help couples address these issues in advance to minimize their impact in the future. Premarital counseling has many benefits and among many below are few of them:

• Conflict resolution
• Problem-solving skills
• Effective communication
• Financial management
• Aids intimacy
• Manages expectations
• Manages differences
• Builds deep understanding and empathy
• Manages parenting style conflicts

Premarital counseling is more relevant these days due to high divorce rates. Often times, couples are so involved in their wedding planning that they fail to seek help. In addition to wedding planning, it’s important for couples to schedule premarital counseling to build a strong foundation pre-marriage. Through the guidance of a therapist, couples can have the tough and uncomfortable conversations before they become an issue in the future. During the engagement/courtship phase, couples are often so blinded by infatuation that they fail to see big red flags in their relationship. Premarital counseling can help shed some light on those concerns, so these issues can be worked on before entering marriage.

Premarital counseling can help couples build a deeper bond by highlighting their true motives and expectations out of their marriage. This will significantly minimize any misunderstanding that may arise in the future. A successful marriage is a possibility when the people involved are willing to put in the work and premarital counseling is the beginning of that journey.

Reference

Meyers, S. (2011, September 21). Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling: Successful Marriage. Retrieved July 14, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201109/benefits-pre-marital-counseling-successful-marriage

Moshe Ratson is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist from New York. (n.d.). Retrieved July 14, 2020, from https://www.spiral2grow.com/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling/

Schofield, M. J., Mumford, N., Jurkovic, D., Jurkovic, I., & Bickerdike, A. (2012). Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol. BMC Public Health, 12(1). doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Tartakovsky, M. (2018, July 08). The Benefits of Premarital Counseling & How to Find a Therapist. Retrieved July 14, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-benefits-of-premarital-counseling-how-to-find-a-therapist/

5 Benefits of Premarital Counseling. (n.d.). Retrieved July 14, 2020, from https://www.bestcounselingdegrees.net/lists/5-benefits-of-premarital-counseling/

Most of us want to be successful. How we define success is different from person to person; it can be big or small, daily or lifelong. But we can all agree that success starts with setting a goal and achieving it. The most important and challenging part is pursuing our goals.

We often talk about setting and achieving goals but not enough on the hardest part, which is pursuing the goal. The challenges in pursuing and achieving goals is most obvious around New Years. Studies have shown that of all people who set New Year’s resolutions, only about 8 percent achieve them.  So, what makes some people give up on their goals and others persist and succeed? It’s action. Action is the secret ingredient to success. However, there are certain limiting beliefs and negative habits that keep us stuck and not active in pursuing our goals. When we become aware of these barriers, we can work on moving past them. Some common barriers to success include:

Self-Doubt

Everyone experiences self-doubt, but sometimes it can stop us from taking action or even getting started on our goals.  It’s usually a sign of fear and suggests that we’re not trusting ourselves. Doubt can come in to protect us from risk and failure. Usually when self-doubt creeps in you start to question all your abilities and potential for success. Self-doubt will start to convince you of what you can and can’t do in life.

Tip:

You can’t run a marathon on your first day of training. Lack of knowledge usually leads to fear. So, learn new information and familiarizing yourself with tasks that feel intimidating; practice will help you build confidence.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Where do these feelings stem from? Find the origin.
• How true is it really? Is it based on fact or assumptions?
• Does this doubt protect me somehow?
• What’s a more helpful way for me to think about this?

Procrastination

“It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.”

~Winston Churchill

Procrastination delays us from getting things done. It’s one of the biggest obstacles to productivity. Most of the time we know we’re procrastinating, but the temptation is so great. While it’s true that we all procrastinate, some of us are chronic procrastinators. Procrastination doesn’t have to mean that you’re lazy or unfocused. Psychologists see procrastination as closely tied to emotions—it’s a coping mechanism to deal with our anxiety. We avoid tasks that we feel are unpleasant, stressful, or overwhelming. When we avoid, we get temporary relief. Unfortunately, the long-term effects can lead to poorer quality of work, increased anxiety, disturbed sleep and more.

Tip:

Reaching your goal will happen with one action at a time. Get started, but with a small manageable goal. Start without any expectation of finishing it, and don’t focus on the quality. Once you get started then you’ll have an opportunity to improve. Reward yourself for completing tasks. When you’re successful in completing a task, it’ll give you more motivation to continue. You want to work on making the task feel less scary and overwhelming when you approach it.

Perfectionism

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis. Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’”

~Brené Brown

Our culture sometimes glorifies perfectionists. It makes sense, we see them as having high standards and driving themselves relentlessly in pursuit of perfection. But there can be a dark side. Those with unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies are constantly setting unattainable and unrealistic goals.  They are usually highly critical of themselves, and are never satisfied with themselves, which can often lead to feelings of depression, demotivation, and constant disappointment.

Tip:

Strive towards excellence not perfection. Excellence sets the bar high but allows room for mistakes and failures along the way. Failures are not seen as scary but opportunities for growth and learning. Finally, a healthy striving allows you to enjoy the process rather than staying focused on the anxiety.

Negativity

Cycles of negative thinking can make it difficult to manage complex tasks and cause us to have a hard time processing information and think clearly. In addition, the chronic stress of negativity can lead to mental and physical illnesses.

Be aware of your inner voice. Each of us has an inner voice and sometimes it’s highly critical and judgmental. A persistently negative inner critic can put a stop to achieving your goals. But negative thoughts don’t have to be a way of life, we can ‘unlearn’ certain thinking patterns and change our negative thinking to more realistic and balanced thoughts.

Tip:

Be aware of your inner critic, but don’t put much importance into what it says. Step back from your thoughts and try to view them as background chatter; you’re aware that they’re there, but you’re choosing not to engage with them. Hold your thoughts lightly. Thoughts are just thoughts, not reality.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Is this thought in any way useful or helpful?
• Am I basing this thought on facts or feelings?
• Am I having this thought out of habit or do the facts support it?
• Does this thought help me take effective action?
• What advice would I give a friend who had this thought?

 

 

 

“There is a wisdom of the head, and… a wisdom of the heart.” – Charles Dickens

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based therapy that was originally created to help people who feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions. The DBT concept of Wise Mind, can be beneficial to anyone.

Usually people with emotional regulation issues flip-flop between emotional reasoning and overly rational thinking. These opposite ways of thinking are described in DBT as emotion mind and reasonable mind. These states of mind are extremes and over-applying them to most situations can lead to a lot of poor decision making and emotional suffering.

Emotion Mind + Reasonable Mind = Wise Mind

Emotion Mind is “hot” because it’s passionate, extreme, and intense.  Reactions in emotion mind make reasonable, logical thinking difficult. In this state you may notice the facts but find yourself distorting them based on your emotional state.

Reasonable Mind is “cool” because it’s objective.  In this state you think logically and rationally using facts, numbers, equations, or cause and effect.  Values and feelings are not important.

Wise Mind is the meeting of emotion mind and reasonable mind.  It’s being able to see the value in both reason and emotion and choosing the middle path.  When we access our inner wisdom, we say we are in Wise Mind.  It creates a feeling of “knowing” what’s right, a felt sense or a shift in the body—bringing with it a sense of greater presence, openness, peace, and clarity. 

With some practice, mindfulness skills can help you access your wise mind.  Being mindful simply means to be in the present moment as best we can, to pay attention to what’s happening right now. Like any new skill, mindfulness requires practice.